Category: Beauty

The bizarre thing about family is that it’s what most confuses me. When I was younger it was alright. It was far from perfect, with an abusive figure, less freedom, more violence, but it was magically alright. I carried on, or was simply a dead fish going with the flow.

I should get it very straight: I am so well-loved, and I am blessed with such affection. But I learn that people can be mistreated and well-loved at the same time, by the people who are put together despite their likings, and who I call my family.

I don’t know what people mean when they talk about this special bond between a parent and a child. But I do know what it means to me. It is special in the way it has so much power over the lifetime of a child. It matters because someone can need someone that much. It means that to a child, no matter how well-loved by many others, needs someone who is always there, who does what a father does to his child, and someone who does what a mother does to her child. All this revelation was triggered by some random moments of me seeing a man casually being father to his child – because the connection between two people is something uncannily visible to the heart. When that first dawned on me I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of myself for admitting I wish I had a father: the wish seems to me, even now, a betrayal, the manifestation of disloyalty and weakness.

At the same time I’ve grown out of all the lies and cover-ups in the name of love. And that is very difficult, because I wish I could unconditionally trust those whom I once trusted unconditionally. Like I did when I was young! That was my rather naïve and perfectionist notion of family: you get to trust them despite everything, even when you don’t love them and they don’t love you. But growing up it’s the other way round: you love them, but you cannot always trust them. And you find yourself guilty for that.

I want to live my life, but sometimes it seems better to be the little dead fish. I didn’t know the price for growing up is family.

Ta sẽ lấy những giấc mơ đêm trước
Cho hết thảy vào tủ đá của ta
Để một ngày xa xả xá xà xa
Khi ta ông lão: đầu bạc, rất già
Ta sẽ lôi ra, rã cho tan đá
Giấc mơ đông lạnh xinh xắn quá
Và đun cho nóng, và ngồi hẳn hoi
Và nhúng vào hai chân già lạnh lẽo.
– m, 021621